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nance or safety. It s just to make the passengers feel better.
The list is read by a flight attendant or the pilot, whoever
happens to be flying the plane that day.
First, they come out and kick the tires. This is reassur-
ing. After that, they walk around the plane and count the
engines one, two, three, four, check. I don t mind that
too much, except when they check it against the list on the
clipboard they are carrying.
Each time I fly, I like to treat it as a new adventure. I
relish the technological achievements of man inventing
184 Bob Newhart
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and perfecting the airplane. I ll turn to the person next to
me and say something along the lines of, This flying is
amazing. The people down there look like ants.
Usually, they ll respond with something like, Those
are ants, you idiot. We haven t taken off yet.
"
Incidentally, I want to apologize for your having to stand
all the way. If I can give you a little tip, every half hour or
so you want to alternate your arms through those straps
above your head. You folks flying tourist class, you don t
have any straps so don t bother looking for them. We re go-
ing to have a little drill in a few moments by our two stew-
ardesses, Trixie and Bubbles. . . . I m sorry, Miss Swanson
and Miss Savage. . . and they ll show you how to put your
life jackets on. There really isn t that much to it, but a lot of
people get them on backward and that way you are going
to wind up with your face in the water. If we should have to
ditch, you ll have plenty of warning because our copilot be-
comes hysterical. He ll start running up and down the
aisles yelling, We re going to crash. Actually, he gets
kind of panicky, and it isn t always easy to understand
him. At least it has been in the past anyway. If you see him
running up and down the aisles, and you can t make out
what he s saying, you might slip on your life jackets to be
on the safe side. . . .
"
The two airlines I prefer are Delta and United, mainly be-
cause I m not a stockholder in either one.
I like Delta because they pay their pilots the most out of
I Shouldn t Even Be Doing This! 185
*
all the U.S. airlines, and there s nothing better at 30,000
feet than a happy pilot. On United, I can listen to the pi-
lots talking to the air-traffic controllers on the in-flight
entertainment system. That way, I know exactly when the
turbulence will begin and end, and I can mentally prepare
myself. At least I feel like I m doing something besides sit-
ting there and waiting for an air pocket to turn my drink
over onto my lap.
Regardless of which airline I fly, I prefer to sit by the
window so I can see what s going on outside. I want to
know if we are flying over the Grand Canyon or into it.
"
Considering I ve flown something like two million miles
in my life, I haven t had that many bad experiences
though I take little comfort in this because it only takes
one. Once I was on a DC-10 leaving LAX, and one of the
wing flaps didn t retract. The pilots circled back and
dumped fuel while the passengers braced against the seats
in front of us. It was scary, but everything ended up fine.
Another time, Ginnie and I were flying from Paris to
London with the Rickleses. As we were coming in, Ginnie
whispered to me, We re awfully high.
Yeah, I know, I said, pressing my nose to the window.
We re too high to land, she reiterated.
Yeah, I, I know.
We re not going to land.
With that, the pilot gunned the engines, and the plane
banked hard to the right. Barbara Rickles, who was sitting
across the aisle reading a magazine, looked up and non-
chalantly said to Don, We re going up again.
186 Bob Newhart
*
Ginnie let out a scream and Don said, Newhart, can t
you do something with your wife? and went back to read-
ing. I turned to Ginnie and said, It s like flying with
Chauncey Gardner and his wife. (Chauncey was the trust-
ing childlike character Peter Sellers portrayed in Being
There.)
"
I d like to answer some questions that you may have about
the airline. . . . Ma am. . . if I may, I ll repeat the question so
everyone can hear it. If we should ditch, how long will the
plane remain afloat? That s your question, ma am? Uh, golly
that s awful hard to say, ma am. Some of em go down like a
rock. And then, for some reason or another, others will stay
up for two or three minutes. . . . I want to get to the gentleman
way in the back. If you could speak up, I can t hear you over
the roar of our engines. Oh, wait, they ve stopped now.
Harry, the engines are going out. . . . Try the third button on
the left, I think Harry. . . hold it. Harry, the cabin lights
went out. Try the third button on the right. That s got em.
You want to try the question again? . . . Sir, I m sorry, I still
can t make out what you re saying. . . . Sure, if you want to
try it that way, it may work. . . . First word, sounds like run-
ning, sounds like racing. . . track and field. . . ran. . . It sounds
like ran. . . man. . . . A lot of man. . . A whole bunch of . . .
men. . . . Oh, men! It s right behind you, sir. I m glad I took
your question ahead of this gentleman s over here.
"
The pilot episode of The Bob Newhart Show centered on
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