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or anything like that. Actually, I didn t want him to do anything like tha
t at all. I found myself shaking my head, taking a few steps back because I
didn t know how to be anywhere near him at the moment. Because there was s
omeone else. Because I couldn t even think about how I felt about one of my
biggest crushes or what he wanted with me while I was still waiting... won
dering... while I was still with Milo. Milo, who could be laughing at me ri
ght now. No. He wouldn t. I could see his green eyes, the way thick, dark l
ashes cast shadows down his cheeks when he looked at me. I could hear the s
oft sigh he let out when I got close to him. That was real. If it wasn t, w
ell then I might have to kill him. Milo. Because when I thought about him,
the pressure weighing down on my chest, the churning, horrible knots that d
eveloped when I wondered if I d ever see him again, those things were real.
They were real, and during the occasional overdramatic moment, I was prett
y sure that they were killing me. That s what I wanted Brandon Sholer to kn
ow. I can t... I said, both to what I wanted to tell him and what he wan
ted to do with me. It s really not you... I paused at his disgusted snort
, the roll of his eyes. Brandon Sholer, and I was offending the hell out of
him. Seriously, it s not, I said, feeling snappish when he stood. My ton
e got his attention.
Hey, no worries, Nelson. I get it. He didn t sound like he was even trying
to make that sound sincere. His smile was gone, his eyes were elsewhere.
But you don t, I insisted, not sure why I was pushing this.
He sighed, regarded me warily as he tugged at his blond bangs. I think..
. would you mind getting me home now?
Longest, awkward ride ever. He looked dejected. I tried to think of ways to
let him know I hadn t been trying to reject him, except then I realized that
was exactly what I d done. What I d meant to do. If only he knew why... I o
pened my mouth, several times, wanting to tell him. Maybe it was stupid that
I didn t, all because I could also see Milo s eyes, hurt and terrified of t
he truth I was helping him avoid.
Brandon Sholer had come to my rescue, confided something I doubted he d ev
er mentioned to anyone else, threw himself at me and I d let him walk away
silently, leaving me to wonder if I could still consider him among my fri
ends.
I wanted to hate Brandon Sholer. Just like I wanted to hate Milo Trust. I don
t think I was capable of doing either, but it would have made things a hell of
a lot easier.
...............................
By Friday, Caleb was back in school, and I felt like I d passed through the
day like a zombie. I hadn t slept well the night before, and I couldn t co
unt how many times I d caught myself yawning through my classes while I ign
ored the knots in my stomach that told me I was different every time I look
ed over my classmates.
I wished that I could go back.
I wanted to stop feeling numb. I wanted to smile and mean it. When I walked
out to the parking lot at lunch with Caleb I wanted Milo to be waiting, re
ady to spend the next hour with us talking about stupid things, eye me with
an interest that was just between the two of us, even while Caleb went on
and on about whatever was on his mind this week. I wanted...
My hand shook as I reached into my locker between the last two classes of th
e day, the folded slip of paper slipping carefully between my fingertips. I
found myself shielding it with my body, eyes straining to see sentences made
out for just me as I unfolded it in the privacy of my locker.
Nelson--I wanted...
Hey, sorry. Got held up in my last class, Caleb said as he approached fr
om behind. I was quick to slip the note into my pocket, turn around. Not q
uick enough to hide the look on my face. Caleb frowned at me. Are you oka
y?
I nodded slowly, tried to make enough eye contact to end his concern. Just
wanting the day to be over.
We can skip if you want.
That did make me smile. Can t. I still have too much catching up to do.
Caleb shrugged, walked with me when I closed my locker and headed to my
next class. We should do something this weekend. Get you out of the hou
se.
I eyed him warily. I don t think crowds are a good idea.
Caleb frowned. Just think about it, okay?
I gave him a nod, made no promises. The minute we reached my class and he h
eaded off on his own, I turned around, headed to the nearest restroom and l
ocked myself in a stall. My fingers fumbled with the note as I pulled it ou
t of my pocket, frowning at the way I d left it crinkled, torn. I opened it
, my eyes scanning black ink. Yeah. I wanted to hate Brandon because he d s
lipped a note into my locker, and Milo because he hadn t.
Nelson--I wanted to check up, make sure I didn t weird you out or anything
. I think I might have given you the wrong impression. Something about you
brings the idiot out in me. Wouldn t mind talking about it some time.
I let out a breath. Neither would I. But then, I didn t know if I had it in me
now to figure out Brandon Sholer. It s not like I hadn t been thinking about
him. He d kind of made it hard not to.
And then the note. I almost hadn t come to school today, confused about B
randon. Confused about Milo. Brandon wanted to talk again.
He thought I got the wrong idea.
I knew he had.
I splashed water on my face, walked into my last class late. I d been late a
lot lately, should ve known better by now and ignored the way everyone eyed m
e and the teacher dropped a slip of paper on my desk. Another invite to talk
to a school counselor. Third one that week. I didn t go. I didn t want to go
. If I did I was afraid of what I would say. Word salad. Crazy. Because I m b
roken, and I can t fix it... and it doesn t just fit back together. It doesn
t.. It doesn t stick! How am I supposed to fix it, huh? How am I supposed to
fix it if I don t work anymore?
I felt frustrated, uncharacteristically sweaty as I walked out of class at th
e end of the day. I was gross. Caleb was with me by the time I walked outside
, and it was hard to pay attention to what he was saying.
... maybe a movie or something? I ll call you tonight, unless you just want
to come over and hang out, but I ll have my niece for a few hours...
My feet stopped moving. Caleb didn t seem to notice. Perfect timing, I gue
ss, the way a girl from his French class stopped to ask him something abou
t an assignment. She was being too obvious. Caleb couldn t speak a word of
French. Give him five minutes or less, he d ask her out. All obvious. No
t like dark-haired boys who drove green Hondas with dents in the door.
It was parked against the curb and he was waiting, studying his fingers lik
e he was bored when I knew better, knew he was vexed by a speck of paint be
neath his nails that he couldn t quite get to. He looked up when someone pa
ssed by his front window, reached across his car to unlock the door for Jam
e Graham. I watched silently, frozen as he started his car. And then it was
like the first time I d ever seen him as his head turned slowly, like he d
heard his name but couldn t quite tell what direction it was coming from.
Green eyes stopped on me.
I took a step forward, small but steady, bracing myself for when he turned
away, drove away. Told me everything I needed to know.
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