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gross insensitivity far more dangerous and "dysfunctional" than any possible
distaste for political plots or the murder of a woman he came to care for.
There is in my opinion no conceivable danger of subject becoming ineffective
for further missions due to either of the above conditions. I therefore
consider your report's recommendations can and shall be rejected.
Richard Blade whistled in admiration at J's command of bureaucratic language.
"That's paying him back in his own coin with a vengeance, sir."
J smiled grimly. "I confess I was tempted to reply a bit more succinctly.
Something on the order of
'Doctor Ferguson, you are a blazing ass who doesn't know what he's talking
about. Richard Blade isn't crazy, but I have my doubts about you. Sincerely,
J.' "
Blade laughed. "I can see the point. But Ferguson's actually no more out of
touch with what it's like out in the field than any other ivory-tower type
we'd be likely to get. Now if we could just find a good doctor who was in the
Royal Marine Commandos, for example..."
J sighed. "If one existed, we'd almost certainly have turned him up by now.
Well, I just wanted to read through the letter for you, so when Doctor
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Ferguson howls like a banshee you'll know why. Going abroad, this time, aren't
you?"
"Yes. Just over toParis for a week or two, though. I haven't dropped over that
way for a couple of years, and there are some friends I want to look up."
Knowing Blade, the friends were probably female. But that was Richard's
affair. J rose as Blade did, the two men shook hands, and the office door
closed behind the younger man.
J sat back down and stared at the letter on his desk. He was more worried
about Richard that he would ever let on to anybody except Lord Leighton, more
worried by far than he had let show in the letter. It was obvious to him that
Tera's death had hit Blade hard. It wasn't so much the loss itself-Richard had
certainly known that Tera would be staying behind when he himself returned to
Home Dimension. It was how it had driven home a reminder of his terrible
loneliness, a loneliness that surrounded him both in
Home Dimension and in Dimension X. Blade had lived with that loneliness now
for more years than any man should be asked to stand. Could he really stand it
for as many more years? J wondered.
The damnable thing was how little anybody could do about it, at least until
Blade retired. But that was a long way off, as things looked now. For the
moment, what was there to do?
Nothing, really. If by some miracle Blade could find a woman who accepted his
secret comings and goings, and was grateful for as much of him as she could
get-but where was such a woman? She would be a paragon of virtue, and Richard
was too much of a gentleman to subject anyone he would be bound to respect
highly to a continuous ordeal of this sort. Damn, damn, damn!
So they would go on as they had done, and hope for better luck. But it was
getting harder and harder for J to accept that. He smiled. Perhaps that meant
he was getting too unstable for the job? Perhaps. But he doubted it. He too
had survived moments of gloom before, many of them over more than forty years.
It was just that this job seemed to be giving him so damned many of them!
He sighed and pressed the button for his secretary.
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